Trying to Abide

Sometimes I really think that I have multiple personality disorder because of the way I get when I'm in school as compared to when it's sweet summer time. Ok so maybe not like the actual disorder... but my personalities in certain situations can vary drastically. As I'm sure many people do, I thrive in a world of sleeping in, unplanned days, and no deadlines. I have time for adventure, relaxation, and relationship building. I'm "Summer Kelly", and I'm awesome! People start to think that I'm a good person to call if they want to hang out and that I'm maybe even a little bit fun. But every year around mid-August, the transition occurs and "School Kelly" takes back over to remind me that there is always something to be reading, studying, or getting done. Who has time for an impromptu adventure or a long conversation about life over coffee when there is a GPA to salvage and an impossibly difficult school to graduate from?

Back to school means back to my sorority sisters in Phi Mu. 

I've grown to love these ladies a whole lot.

I've been like this since I can remember, and have never really liked it about myself, but have also never found a way to change. I think the root of the issue is that there is a part of my human self that is always trying to find satisfaction and value in my worldly (mainly academic) success. As juvenile as it sounds, I have bought into the lie that the number of a test score somehow determines my value. From a very early age I realized that being better than other people in school meant special attention, praise from my elders, and better opportunities in life... and I decided to milk it. When I became a Christian in middle school, it became VERY clear to me that success in school was one of my "idols." Instead of realizing how valuable I am just because I'm a beloved daughter of the King of Kings, I look for the world and people around me to say "you're worth a lot because you have done this deed, earned this grade, won this match, achieved this goal,  surpassed these people and gotten this test score." I'm sure a few of you are reading this thinking like "this is so awkward that she actually cares about those things"... but I did back in middle school, and I still do today. And I have let those silly little pats on the back, grades on tests and dumb, worthless, worldly satisfaction give me my value for far too long. College has made that glaringly clear to me.

Back to school also means game days with my love and my Yellow Jackets.

In nice terms, Georgia Tech has humbled me. In a more blunt description, Georgia Tech has torn down every brick of confidence or value that I ever found in my academic success. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just need to be clear that I have never felt so beaten down, worthless, and hopeless as I have felt the last few years at this school. I know this doesn't make sense if you don't struggle with this, but for someone who pretty much built up a throne of pride to sit on as she cruised through high school, the countless failures of college truly made me question if I had any value at all. I think a lot of people at this school carry around that same pride, and don't know who they are when it is stripped away. To make it worse, while I have been struggling just trying to stay afloat, many people around me seem to have it all together without a worry in the world. They have killer social lives, great GPAs, perfect resumes and usually have hot bodies too, which is just annoying (cue comparison blog). 

So, it's my last semester of college and I've been struggling to find my complete value in Jesus for about nine years now. I must say, I've learned a whole lot about how to deal with this struggle practically and gracefully from a lot of very inspiring people around me (I would say I've learned a lot from Jesus directly but then sometimes that's confusing because I mean who did He have to be jealous of anyway?... more to come on that). Three of these woman in particular I will always emulate. My big sister and best friend, Megan, has taught me what it looks like to love and forgive oneself. She has had failures and great successes, but no matter the circumstances, she seems to have an unwavering confidence that her life will be something beautiful. I'd really like to go about life with that same confidence. The second is my sorority sister and role model, Corc, who showed me in the most graceful way what it looks like to find joy and value in my time at Tech. She taught me that the Lord gave us all of the intelligence and work ethic that we have, so all we can do is our best, and try to bring Him glory through whatever success or failures we might have. The third woman is my sorority big sister, Jessica, who was the best example of valuing God and His blessings above all else. She is brilliant and hard working, but she will alway choose spending time with the Lord or spending time investing in relationships above school or work. She shows me that it is possible to be successful in this world without sacrificing a full and fruitful relationship with Christ. These women have shown me that the imperfect pursuit of Christ is more beautiful and fulfilling than worldly success or perfection.

God has used a lot of what I would consider misery to sanctify me through these last few years, but He's definitely not finished yet. I've made a lot of progress learning to see my value in Him instead of in my worldly success, mostly because a lot of that worldly success has faded away. I now better understand how His love is the only thing that will never fail me. Now that I know He's all that I truly have, I feel like He is revealing to me the places where I have failed to invest and cultivate my faith and the faith of others. The "School Kelly" I told you about hasn't been a woman who has had the time or energy to seek Him daily, share the gospel, or even just find joy in these unique years of college. And here's the thing, as college is coming to an end, I have realized that "Summer Kelly" won't really be a thing anymore. The carefree summers of youth are pretty much a thing of the past at this point. So I'm hoping that He will use these next few months and years to mold me into a woman who's faith, happiness, and confidence do not depend on what I get on my MCAT, where I get into school, or where I end up working. Adult life seems like it will always have deadlines, crazy stressful weeks, and unreached goals. But I don't think those things are what define me, and I don't think that's all He has for me. Rather, I see him making me into a woman at peace with Him, living in His will, seeing Him in the everyday, and following Him into the unknown. My value is literally from Him and in Him, just as it says in John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." There is no room for "Summer Kelly" or "School Kelly" because I'm going to be busy transitioning more and more into the Kelly that the Lord has planned for me to be, and she's going to be the most fun Kelly yet! 

Two goals of college finally achieved: made it to Auburn, AL and became friends with Patty.

Semester Game Plan:
1) INVEST: in relationships, in memories, in Phi Mu
2) FIND JOY: even when I feel beaten down
3) EXPLORE: new friendships, new experiences, new places
4) REST: find security in the arms of Christ, find peace even without understanding

Trying to abide in Him,
Kelly