Figuring It Out

Everyone says that the first step of dealing with addiction is to admit that you have one. So here goes nothing, I have an addiction. Sometimes I stay up late into the night to get my fix or I use it to escape reality. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by my desire to keep up with it and sometimes I decide to fight against it. Like any other addiction, I believe it to be something that is an innate part of my sinful nature and a major contributor to the person that I have become. This addiction is envy. I don't call it an addiction to over-dramatize it or give it more power than I should, but to emphasize the way in which it has permeated all facets of my life and found a way to make even the most joyful times in my life miserable.

That's the thing about addiction, it isn't just a part of your life, it finds a way to become your life. Addiction is not a foreign idea to me, as I have seen it's power in the lives of my friends and family first hand. I've seen it in the patients at the health clinic addicted to drugs, teenagers figuring out their middle school years, and in college students that have lost control of what was once just having a good time. The impact of addiction is also not foreign to me, as I have experienced that complete feeling of powerlessness as you see how it is destroying someone you love and cannot do anything about it. But until recently, I did not believe that addiction would be something that had any power over me personally. I am too good for addiction. I've learned from everyone else's mistakes. Followers of Christ don't deal with addiction. Wrong.

Over the past few months I have realized the parallels between the way envy has impacted my life and the way that alcoholism has affected others. I know that everyone deals with envy on some level, but for me it has transformed from an "every once in a while" sin into a life dominating personality trait. My struggle with envy is deeply rooted in insecurity. Not being sure of who I am, who God made me to be, and why He made me the way I am. It has made me unhappy, ungrateful, bitter, and lonely. It has made me push people away, hide my true feelings for fear of judgement, question God's love for me, and miss out on many of the incredible things happening for me and the people I love. I can't go a day without comparing myself, being bitter about someone else's happiness, or needing to put someone else down to make myself feel better. It has brought the people around me so much pain and I wouldn't be surprised if they are very over it by now. Envy has changed me, and as much as I long to be rid of it, I just can't seem to shake it. Sounds a lot like addiction to me.

I am addicted to envy, but envy is stupid. I have let it make me believe that having what someone else has or doing what someone else does will satisfy me. What is sad is that I had myself straight-up convinced that envy only lasts until you reach that goal or finally catch up to that person, so it wasn't that big of a deal or that bad of a sin. But really once I finally get to the goal or catch up to the competition, I just find something else to envy. This has never been so evident as through comparing my relationship to others. I seriously loved dating Austin, it was so fun and adventurous and special for us both. But slowly many of our friends began to get engaged and that envy crept in and I wanted to be experiencing what they were getting to experience. Instead of enjoying our last few months of dating, despite it being incredible, I just wanted to get to be engaged too. Once we got engaged, I had finally caught up to those friends and couples and we could finally relate to them again and I had leveled the playing field. I finally had what I wanted, right? But whoops, now those friends are married... now yet again they are experiencing new things, moving in together, having beautiful weddings and starting their lives together. And surprise, surprise, I grew envious. I was realizing that comparison really is the thief of joy. In a fit of jealousy and bitterness and confusion, I called Austin to vent, as I always do, and he gave me a pretty big wake-up call. He pointed out that I have so many of the things I have been wanting for years: a great semester at school, a great lab to work in, a better body than I've ever had and not to mention a giant diamond on my finger, and I still wasn't satisfied. Maybe I was looking for satisfaction in the wrong places... in a moment of conviction and annoyance and knowing that he was right, I hung up the phone and cried out the God to ask why He wasn't satisfying me like he was supposed to be. I really was missing out on the joy of all of these blessings because they weren't the same things or hadn't come at the same time as the blessings of others. My envy was stealing my joy.

So what on earth do I do about it? Honestly, I'm not sure and have been unsuccessfully searching for an answer for many months now (sorry if you were expecting some great tips on how not to be envious, maybe next time). But this I do know...
1) I am a follower of Christ even though I totally don't deserve that honor.
2) I have a sinful nature, but I also have the Holy Spirit within me to be used to do God's will.
3) Envy is not God's will, and definitely not doing good things for me.
4) He has a beautiful plan for me, even though I only believe it about 1/6th of the time.

So all the times I'm feeling envious of someone's dreamy wedding, perfect marriage, exciting sex life, hot body, model-like beauty, killer personality, perfect grades, impossibly high MCAT score, cute apartment, impeccable fashion sense, artsy photographs, steadfast faith, and of course the ability to write the perfect blog, this is what I am going to try to do.... treasure Christ. I will remember that this life is beautiful and meaningful, but it is also temporary and imperfect. I will remember being saved by the perfect Father and that I want that for everyone else. I will remember that God created me and planned my life, not so that I would sit around wanting everyone else's life but so that I would use all the ways he has blessed me to glorify Him. I will remember that God is not a disappointment, He is not letting me down, He has not forsaken me. Honestly, I don't know what He's doing. I am totally having to re-learn how to let him satisfy me and how to see Him in all circumstances, and many days I am failing. But he loves me, and I am growing to realize that maybe that really is enough. Maybe that is more than enough.

This summer I'm learning so much about myself and about how God sees me. I like to see it as sanctification and that it's a good thing, but lets be real, it's very painful and seemingly endless at times. I wanted to start this blog so that maybe one day, when I've gotten through at least some of this, I can look back and see how much He has done and realize that it was all worth it. Something tells me he won't let me down.

Figuring it out,
Kelly