Choosing To Believe

A little over a year ago I took the MCAT. For those of you who don't know, the MCAT is the standardized test that you take in order to get into medical school. It is composed of three sections, Verbal Reasoning, Physical Sciences, and Biological Sciences. It takes about 4 hours to get through and covers literally everything you've ever learned. It's miserable. But if you want to be a doctor, you buckle down, study your butt off and take this thing like it's your job. At the beginning of my 3rd year of college, after years of hearing about this ridiculous test, it was my turn to finally take it. So I studied for hours upon hours and weeks upon weeks and had pretty much the most boring life of all time so that I would ace this thing and propel myself into med school like a boss.

On the day of the test, I got myself to the Prometric testing center, which is a place where you pretty much go through CIA level security checks (fingerprints and all) to take your MCAT in a tiny cubicle surrounded by 30 other incredibly stressed out people. It's a good time. So I take the test and leave feeling pretty ok. I mean, it was tough, but I survived and it was FINALLY over forever. Like 500 pounds was instantly lifted off my shoulders when I clicked "submit" on that computer screen. Now I just needed to wait a month for that score to come in.

The best part of working is healthcare is the wardrobe.

So let's talk scoring. Three sections, scored from 1-15 in each section, meaning you can get anywhere from a 3 to a 45 on the test. If you have learned these science things before but just kind of drop the ball on studying or something, you probably get around a 20. The national average is around the 25-26 range. The score to go for if you want to get into medical school is a 30, meaning that you get around a 10 in each section, which is pretty good. Once you get up around 35 it's like ok, I can be confident applying to a top-tier medical school. And above that is just like ok people, cool it, we know you're a genius. Now, of course there are those people who got a 23 and still get into medical school because the rest of their application was so great or they had some connections. It could also go the other way and a genius 44 doesn't get in because they have no social skills or something. But generally speaking, I'd say my scoring chart is a pretty good indicator of what students are aiming to get. So pretty much, my motto for the MCAT was "30 or bust".

So I wait a month, and life goes on. I'm in school, re-discovering my social life, volunteering at the local health clinic and pretty much forgetting about this test, until one day I see in my agenda that the day has finally come and my MCAT scores are being released at 5:00pm. I wait around all day with my stomach in knots and then right at 5 I go into my room, shut the door, pray that I will be happy with my score and then pull up the AAMC website. And thennnn my world stopped. My score SUCKED. Like really bad. After 15 years in school, weeks of studying and preparation, years of dreaming of becoming a doctor, endless prayers that God would prepare me and help me through this test, and weeks of people ASSURING ME that I had aced it, there it was in front of my face. Failure.

This probably won't make sense to many of you, but the day I got that score I felt one of the greatest senses of loss that I've ever experienced. It felt like the loss of a lifelong dream. The loss of confidence in myself. The loss of trust in God for my future. The loss of self-worth and value. The loss of vision and meaning for my life. The loss of true purpose on this earth. That score killed a part of me. I felt like God had been nurturing this vision for my life and walking me through the long, hard process of becoming a doctor, and then in one moment all of that was gone. All of my hard work felt pointless. I was flooded with the memories of the work I had done... spending endless hours studying, missing out on weeks of fun, losing precious time with family and friends. Then I realized how far back this pointlessness extended... all of the hours shadowing doctors, weeks spent volunteering in clinics, late nights working on synth lab reports, all of those effing chem classes, stressing out about keeping a high GPA, all of those episodes of Grey's anatomy. All of it was seeming like an absolute waste. I was sitting there asking, "God, if you have my whole life planned out, then you definitely saw this coming and still let it happen. Why are you ok knowing that I am so heartbroken?". It seemed cruel. And I didn't understand. I was pretty lost.

To make it worse, everyone around me has literally blown the MCAT out of the water. From my perspective, it seemed to come so easily to them. A couple weeks of last minute studying, a few hours in the test room and boom. Nailed it. Perfect score. All of my peers were moving on to bigger and better things as I wallowed in my failure and wondered what to do next.

I spent the last 12 months recovering from that day. I literally went through the five stages of grief. First, I experienced a huge sense of denial. There was NO WAY that my score was really that bad... I would literally go back to the website and check several times before the reality of my test results really hit me. Second came anger, which extended toward God and everyone else that had given me what felt like false encouragement. Third came bargaining, where I decided I would pretty much sacrifice anything to get a better score next time or to have the people around me start getting bad scores too so that I wouldn't feel so bad about my own. Next came major depression, the kind that comes when it feels like your purpose in life is pretty much gone. This would come and go as my emotions over this stupid test battled with my knowing that life is supposed to be so much more than that. And then, slowly but surely, came acceptance.

This acceptance was founded on the fact that my value lies in Christ alone, a test score did not define me, and God had a plan for me that was good. In my head, I have known this for years, but I realized that it clearly had not permeated my soul if I was THIS broken over a test score. You can probably see some of the things that I've learned coming to light in my previous blog posts or just from conversations with me. Basically, I'm still learning to accept and believe and trust that these things are true and that God is good, but it's happening and I can feel the change in my heart. I also slowly realized, through wise counsel and a lot of thinking, that maybe, just maybe, God simply has another plan for me. It's not Him trying to ruin my dreams and break my heart and watch me suffer, but it could just be that He's working on His own big plan and my role in it is just not what I thought it was going to be. Maybe.

As I was learning those things, I was also getting my crap together and focussing on moving forward. I realized that I would live pretty much my whole life regretting it if I didn't at least go out swinging, so I decided to sign up for the MCAT again and give it 100%. No matter what, I wouldn't have a single regret to look back on. When I reflected on my first try, I realized that I could have been more prepared, so I dedicated my entire summer to preparing to re-take this test on August 15th, a few days before my final semester of college was to begin. While other people were busy living their lives, I was engulfed in the study life. (I did not choose the study life, the study life chose me.) I'm not exaggerating when I say that I spent 9 hours a day... NINE HOURS... studying for this crap. I took a class, read my MCAT books, took practice tests, and got to know the people at our local coffee shop VERY well. I watched my last summer before graduation fly by without really getting to experience it. But whenever I got discouraged or tired, I just reminded myself that my hard work was going to pay off and this would all be worth it when I got that acceptance letter in the mail. It seemed like everyone I knew was praying for me, cheering me on, and knew in their hearts that this time the test would go well. I went into that test knowing that I had done all I could do to dominate.

Typical summer study session selfie. 

So about a month ago, I took my MCAT for the second time. You can't really take it more than twice without looking crazy, so I knew it would be my last time ever studying for or taking that test. I left feeling ok about it, I mean, it's a terrible test so I'm not sure anyone leaves feeling great about it (or maybe that's just me...). But, it was finally over, and for that I was really really thankful. I just had to wait another month for my score to roll in. And yesterday was the day. My score came in, and I tell you all with a whole lot of sadness and confusion and disappointment that it was not great. In fact, I only scored one measly point higher this time than I did the first time. It's pretty embarrassing after all of those hours, an entire summer of sacrifice and boredom and tears and fear, that it was pretty much pointless. I could have laid around at the pool, explored the world, spent more time with my family, gone on a mission trip, gotten a job, I don't know... it feels like I pretty much could have done ANYTHING more worthwhile with the last year of my life than study for this test, because here I am on the other end with the exact same score.

So, how does it feel this time? Well... not good. First I was in shock. I mean that's obviously the first thing that happens when you open your computer to see an identical MCAT score to your last one. Then I went and played a flag football game and got 2 touchdowns, so that was nice. Then Austin took me out to Jeni's and pretty much waited for me to have a mental breakdown while I chowed down on some ice cream. And then, after the shock wore off, I cried. At Jeni's. In the car. In my apartment for the rest of the night. Austin just hugged me and listened, because I think he realized there wasn't anything he could have said to make it better. I don't think there is really anything anyone can say. I'm really sad. I'm really pissed. I'm disappointed and confused and afraid of what's next. It's pretty hard to accept that I'm not one of those MCAT comeback stories. In fact, it feels pretty terrible. I'm not happy about it, or totally at peace with it, or ready to just move on yet. I think all of these things will come in time... possibly a very long time.

One week later: So, all of the above was written on the night that I got my score back, and it's been an interesting 7 days since. After knowing how hard I took it the first time, I was terrified of failing again, so I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Weird moments of complete devastation, weirder moments of total peace. I've felt completely alone at times, and completely loved at others. I've questioned God's actions, and at other times questioned my responses to those actions. But through my freaking awesome family, loving fiancé and a few close friends, my eyes have been opened to the simple fact that my life is bigger than this test. The world is bigger than this test. God's plan is way bigger than this test. I can mourn my lost dream, and because God knows my heart, He knows that this is hard for me. But I don't think He's sad for me, because He sees way beyond this and is just waiting for me to see the good that He sees. He is the redeemer, after all.

Anyway, it looks like my quote of the year is turning into my quote for life... "I'll choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are." Shauna Niequist

So yeah, that was a novel about a test, so I'm proud of you for getting this far. I just wanted y'all to know the full background of my story, which I believe the MCAT has played a big role in. It's hard to write about my life without having you all know what is affecting me, and for the last year, this had been an absolute life-changer. So yeah. I think these next few months will be a time of mourning, accepting, and moving forward to see what is next for me. Maybe I'll be a doctor one day, and I'll look back at this blog post and cringe at my lack of faith. Maybe I'll be a wedding planner and look back and cringe that I ever wanted the be a doctor. I really am not sure at this point. But I'm sure that my life will go on, it will have meaning, and hopefully it will glorify the Lord.

Choosing to believe,
Kelly

Trying to Abide

Sometimes I really think that I have multiple personality disorder because of the way I get when I'm in school as compared to when it's sweet summer time. Ok so maybe not like the actual disorder... but my personalities in certain situations can vary drastically. As I'm sure many people do, I thrive in a world of sleeping in, unplanned days, and no deadlines. I have time for adventure, relaxation, and relationship building. I'm "Summer Kelly", and I'm awesome! People start to think that I'm a good person to call if they want to hang out and that I'm maybe even a little bit fun. But every year around mid-August, the transition occurs and "School Kelly" takes back over to remind me that there is always something to be reading, studying, or getting done. Who has time for an impromptu adventure or a long conversation about life over coffee when there is a GPA to salvage and an impossibly difficult school to graduate from?

Back to school means back to my sorority sisters in Phi Mu. 

I've grown to love these ladies a whole lot.

I've been like this since I can remember, and have never really liked it about myself, but have also never found a way to change. I think the root of the issue is that there is a part of my human self that is always trying to find satisfaction and value in my worldly (mainly academic) success. As juvenile as it sounds, I have bought into the lie that the number of a test score somehow determines my value. From a very early age I realized that being better than other people in school meant special attention, praise from my elders, and better opportunities in life... and I decided to milk it. When I became a Christian in middle school, it became VERY clear to me that success in school was one of my "idols." Instead of realizing how valuable I am just because I'm a beloved daughter of the King of Kings, I look for the world and people around me to say "you're worth a lot because you have done this deed, earned this grade, won this match, achieved this goal,  surpassed these people and gotten this test score." I'm sure a few of you are reading this thinking like "this is so awkward that she actually cares about those things"... but I did back in middle school, and I still do today. And I have let those silly little pats on the back, grades on tests and dumb, worthless, worldly satisfaction give me my value for far too long. College has made that glaringly clear to me.

Back to school also means game days with my love and my Yellow Jackets.

In nice terms, Georgia Tech has humbled me. In a more blunt description, Georgia Tech has torn down every brick of confidence or value that I ever found in my academic success. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I just need to be clear that I have never felt so beaten down, worthless, and hopeless as I have felt the last few years at this school. I know this doesn't make sense if you don't struggle with this, but for someone who pretty much built up a throne of pride to sit on as she cruised through high school, the countless failures of college truly made me question if I had any value at all. I think a lot of people at this school carry around that same pride, and don't know who they are when it is stripped away. To make it worse, while I have been struggling just trying to stay afloat, many people around me seem to have it all together without a worry in the world. They have killer social lives, great GPAs, perfect resumes and usually have hot bodies too, which is just annoying (cue comparison blog). 

So, it's my last semester of college and I've been struggling to find my complete value in Jesus for about nine years now. I must say, I've learned a whole lot about how to deal with this struggle practically and gracefully from a lot of very inspiring people around me (I would say I've learned a lot from Jesus directly but then sometimes that's confusing because I mean who did He have to be jealous of anyway?... more to come on that). Three of these woman in particular I will always emulate. My big sister and best friend, Megan, has taught me what it looks like to love and forgive oneself. She has had failures and great successes, but no matter the circumstances, she seems to have an unwavering confidence that her life will be something beautiful. I'd really like to go about life with that same confidence. The second is my sorority sister and role model, Corc, who showed me in the most graceful way what it looks like to find joy and value in my time at Tech. She taught me that the Lord gave us all of the intelligence and work ethic that we have, so all we can do is our best, and try to bring Him glory through whatever success or failures we might have. The third woman is my sorority big sister, Jessica, who was the best example of valuing God and His blessings above all else. She is brilliant and hard working, but she will alway choose spending time with the Lord or spending time investing in relationships above school or work. She shows me that it is possible to be successful in this world without sacrificing a full and fruitful relationship with Christ. These women have shown me that the imperfect pursuit of Christ is more beautiful and fulfilling than worldly success or perfection.

God has used a lot of what I would consider misery to sanctify me through these last few years, but He's definitely not finished yet. I've made a lot of progress learning to see my value in Him instead of in my worldly success, mostly because a lot of that worldly success has faded away. I now better understand how His love is the only thing that will never fail me. Now that I know He's all that I truly have, I feel like He is revealing to me the places where I have failed to invest and cultivate my faith and the faith of others. The "School Kelly" I told you about hasn't been a woman who has had the time or energy to seek Him daily, share the gospel, or even just find joy in these unique years of college. And here's the thing, as college is coming to an end, I have realized that "Summer Kelly" won't really be a thing anymore. The carefree summers of youth are pretty much a thing of the past at this point. So I'm hoping that He will use these next few months and years to mold me into a woman who's faith, happiness, and confidence do not depend on what I get on my MCAT, where I get into school, or where I end up working. Adult life seems like it will always have deadlines, crazy stressful weeks, and unreached goals. But I don't think those things are what define me, and I don't think that's all He has for me. Rather, I see him making me into a woman at peace with Him, living in His will, seeing Him in the everyday, and following Him into the unknown. My value is literally from Him and in Him, just as it says in John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." There is no room for "Summer Kelly" or "School Kelly" because I'm going to be busy transitioning more and more into the Kelly that the Lord has planned for me to be, and she's going to be the most fun Kelly yet! 

Two goals of college finally achieved: made it to Auburn, AL and became friends with Patty.

Semester Game Plan:
1) INVEST: in relationships, in memories, in Phi Mu
2) FIND JOY: even when I feel beaten down
3) EXPLORE: new friendships, new experiences, new places
4) REST: find security in the arms of Christ, find peace even without understanding

Trying to abide in Him,
Kelly